Pain, Heartbreak, and Moving Forward

I have experienced pain and heartbreak more times than I care to count. Someone I loved deeply died on Valentine's Day, and, let me tell you, that really, really sucks. Every Valentine's Day, I get to celebrate with this memory--always and forever. I could continue being sad on this day while others around me fall in love...or, I could move forward, creating something new in my life. 

I have chosen to move forward.

Even though traumatic things are really crappy to experience, I still believe in love. I still want to share myself fully with another. Even though my traumatic experience caused great pain and sadness to the point I thought my heart was ripped from my chest, it was also a great gift: It showed me how to fully love and be loved.  It showed me that trying for something can lead to amazing things. 

When I meet someone who has experienced hurt and loss but refuses to move on, I wonder why wouldn't you move forward? What is the benefit to hanging on to the past? While it's true that you are taking another chance at getting hurt, that it might not work out, that you  might experience something traumatic, the questions is, will you be okay without ever knowing if it could be wonderful because you didn't try?  

When things are going well in a relationship, when you are expanding and growing together, and then suddenly one person pulls back, it's because the larger part of that person (their higher consciousness) expanded and the physical part of them chose not to go. They became afraid and they chose not to take the leap to where the larger part of themselves was standing. The larger part of themselves was 'over there' drinking champagne, celebrating, and enjoying life, while the physical part of themselves was still holding themselves back, unhappy and discontent. 

When things are going well and you know the next step will leap you forward to a place that is positive and beautiful, and you feel negative emotion about it, it's because you chose not to expand. You are holding yourself back because you are afraid of possibly experiencing hurt. It's protection, but it also doesn't move you forward. 

Take the time to understand what is really going on when you hold back--when you know something great is right there, but you choose not to experience it. Maybe it's time for you to take that small step toward it. 

One small step may be all you need to discover that you will be immersed in the warm embrace of something truly amazing.  

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Don't Shoot the Messenger: Thanking the Messengers in Our Lives

I have mentioned before that we have many great teachers in our lives (see blog post here). However, let's elaborate on this a bit more.

When we are in a love relationship, and it starts to go sour, we are keen to blame the other person due to their actions and behaviours. We try to get them to act differently, become different just so we can feel better about the relationship and ourselves.

First, we can't make anyone do anything. Second, we are the only ones that can make ourselves feel better. And, third, we are attracting these people into our lives due to our energy, because the frequencies always match up (see blog post on this here).

But, let's take this a step further. These people that come into our lives are showing us something that we need to see. So, really, they are messengers.

Maybe you have been asking yourself how you can be happier. Maybe you've been wondering how to attract a better lover because the one you have, or the ones you have had, weren't stellar. The past relationships that we have experienced, or the one that is moving on right now, help us to catch a glimpse of how we feel about ourselves. Anything less than loving is unacceptable, and it's not up to someone else to love us so we can finally love ourselves---it is all up to us.

When these messengers come into our lives to show us what we need to see, and then the relationship begins to fizzle, we desperately hang on to try to get back all those good moments from earlier. Sometimes, we hang on for years, sometimes decades, just to make it work.

This isn't to say that putting effort into a relationship by seeking counselling isn't doable. However, most of us know when the relationship is at the point of no return.

We have to recognize that moment of having enough of the same old story. We have to recognize that moment of when it's time to back away. 

Take the experience of the relationship as what it is....an experience, an awakening to who you are. Don't blame. Just thank them for showing you what you needed to see, and then move on with your new found knowledge, knowing that you are getting better and better every single day. 

Stay true to yourselves, beautiful people. 
Namaste.  

Your Enoughness

It's interesting what we will believe about ourselves when someone plants a seed in our brain. For instance, the feeling of not being enough for your significant other is a heartbreaking realization. Have you ever felt that nothing you say, do, or become will ever be enough for them?

We spend so much time trying to show this person how 'enough' we are, how worthy we are, hoping to satisfy them. We show them that we can do all of these things for them, and maybe, just maybe, we will be awarded with some modicum of gratitude and appreciation. But it's never enough. 

It's truly sad and disappointing. 

The fact is, it wouldn't matter how much effort you put into being 'enough', it would never be 'enough'. 

So, what do you do? 

1) First, realize that this is all ego. Eckhart Tolle says, "Whenever you feel superior or inferior to anyone, that is the ego in you." Ego will have you believe anything that it wants you to. It will have you believe that you are everything in one breath and nothing in the next. Take a step outside of this judgement and be the observer of this thought. The thought is just that--a thought, and it holds no weight.

2) Understand that the person you are trying to impress will never be satisfied because they are always looking for something outside themselves to make them happy. It is not your job to make them happy. It's theirs. 

3) Understand that the way you feel about yourself, your enoughness or not enoughness, is compounded by continuing to feel the way you do. If you felt 'enough', you would have that reflected back onto you. No one can tell you that you are enough or not. You are the only one that can deem yourself 'enough', and you need to connect with that knowing from deep inside. It's the only way. 

4) Their acknowledgement of your enoughness isn't going to make you feel like you are enough. Knowing that you are is all you need.(see #2)

5) There are loads of people in this world who will celebrate your enoughness. Find them. Those are the people you want in your life. 

6) If someone doesn't see your enoughness, then this is a person you do not want in your life. They are detrimental to you living a happy and fulfilled life.

You are more than enough. 

Our Greatest Teachers

Who are your greatest spiritual teachers? 

They don’t have to be the typical ones that we commonly think of like, Buddha, Gandhi, or Jesus.

Actually, they can be those who have brought you the most pain.

I know this seems a little ‘out there’, but we can gain a lot of knowledge from those people who have treated us not so kindly and with derision.

Last week, I watched an interview with Shirley MacLaine and she was asked this very question. Who were her spiritual teachers? She said that her greatest spiritual teachers were those who have caused her the most pain.

Taking a step back from this, you’d think that the woman enjoyed being mistreated. However, this wasn't the case. What she was saying was that those who have caused her the most pain were giving her more clarity of what she didn't want to bring into her life.

Being mistreated, disrespected, not getting the love that you want, or being treated unkindly by these people can help us to grow and evolve into the human being that we want to be.

There have been many times where I have been mistreated or that I hear of others showing disrespect and I think, ‘I don’t want to be like that. Be a better person. Always strive to be a better person.’

But, it also comes back to how we treat ourselves. If another person is mistreating us and we are putting up with it, and have been for quite some time, this is an opportunity for us to look inward and understand what we are bringing to the situation. It's time to ask those hard questions of why are we choosing to stay when the relationship does not serve us for our highest good.

However, if you have gotten out of a relationship, and still harbour resentment or bad feelings, take a look at how the relationship has served you. What new knowledge have you garnered from that relationship?

Take that experience, take that new understanding, and realize that something even better will come along. It always does.