Rebuilding the Relationship with Yourself

If you’re like me, you more than likely have given all of yourself in a loving relationship--working hard at compromising and understanding one another; making it work on the days where you just don’t seem to be getting along. Giving of yourself to a point where you are spent and have nothing left to give anymore. 

And, while they say that working at a relationship is key to a long lasting happily ever after, I say that there are other factors involved: one is alignment and the second is making sure that your needs are being taken care of.

Sometimes, we give so much of ourselves that we lose ourselves in the process. We become someone else for someone else. We do everything for another person leaving very little to give to us. This depletion leaves us tired, resentful and angry.

The key is to rebuild (and maintain) the relationship with yourself. You are an integral component to your loving relationship. You will be with yourself for the rest of your life, and need to dedicate yourself to you as well. How do you dedicate yourself to yourself? 

1)      Find out what makes you happy and make a promise to do those things.

2)    Do loving things for yourself. 

3)    Do something that will take care of you. 

4)    Talk to yourself as if you were talking to someone you absolutely loved. 

5)    Do these things on a consistent basis.

While we always wish the other person in our relationship would change, the fact is we

can't make anyone change, we can only change ourselves. 

The only relationship that really matters is the relationship between you and You: The

relationship with yourself. When you are more loving toward yourself, more respectful,

more dedicated, choosing that your happiness is key and only you can make you

happy, then your relationships will reflect this for you. Honour who you are and what you

are made of because you are important and you are worth it. 

Stay true to yourselves, lovely friends. 

PS: Want to find out how you can love yourself even more? Join me and Michelle Ponto for a Women's Wellness Weekend in July. Click here for details.

Deep, Beautiful Love

I want to share my story with you so you can see what my thought process is about why I haven’t dated anyone in 30 months... and why you should not settle. Ever.

If you aren’t aware of part of my story, Trevor, my love and my best friend who passed away on Valentine’s Day 2012. Trevor had been everything: my lover, my cheerleader, my best friend, my confidante... we grew so much during our time together; always learning and expanding from each other and the world.

Trevor and I started out as friends, and built a strong foundation from there. Ours was a deep love based on mutual respect and care. The connection we had also ran very deep to the point where we could sense each other’s energy when apart. He sensed when I was having a bad day, or vice versa. The flow of energy was also easy. I’m not saying that our relationship didn’t come without adversity or contrast, or that it was perfect; but, when issues arose, we could work it out from a place of love.

Now, here we are, 30 months later, and I haven’t been with anyone. It’s not because I’ve been in mourning this whole time, or that I am unable to move on; nope, on the contrary. It’s about discovering who I am; loving myself; healing myself, and knowing what I want.

If I were to jump into something I only half-heartedly wanted, the result would be disappointing. Not only would it be unfair to me, but unfair to the other person.

Someone told me recently that I should get a Tinder account (or something similar), and I almost threw up in my mouth. Maybe there are some people who have found something lasting on superficial sites such as these, but it's not for this woman. I want quality, not quantity. But, this isn’t to say that you can’t find someone on these sites that might be ready for a deep and meaningful relationship. We are talking about energy here, and what you put out, comes back. So, have at it if that’s what you are interested in.

However, when you’ve experienced what I’ve experienced, a deep and beautiful love, you will not want to go back to anything less. You will not settle.  

I know if I were to ‘hook up’ with a man, or pick a man because he was warm and had a heartbeat, I’d be doing myself a disservice and would be dishonouring Trevor’s memory. He would not want me to ‘hook up’. He would want me to be with someone that would be able to give and receive deep love, to be respectful, and to be my best friend as well as my lover.

Now, here’s the take away: If you are looking for a beautiful, loving relationship, then build a strong foundation first. As much as you want to sleep with that person, try to take it slower. I have also had the fast relationship where you sleep together before really knowing each other—and that ended in divorce.

Get to know each other. Learn about each other. Be best friends.  What a beautiful thing it is when you can learn from each other without the huge weight of expectation. And, trust me, when you make that deep, beautiful connection, sex will be Off. The. Charts! 

I remember distinctly when I knew Trevor was my best friend. We had been talking and sharing so much that, one day, it was clear to me how important he was. And, not long after that, I knew that I really, really, really loved him. 

From that blossomed something beautiful, loving, passionate, and wonderful.

This is why I never settle.

I wish you much love, beautiful souls.

Namaste.

Our Greatest Teachers

Who are your greatest spiritual teachers? 

They don’t have to be the typical ones that we commonly think of like, Buddha, Gandhi, or Jesus.

Actually, they can be those who have brought you the most pain.

I know this seems a little ‘out there’, but we can gain a lot of knowledge from those people who have treated us not so kindly and with derision.

Last week, I watched an interview with Shirley MacLaine and she was asked this very question. Who were her spiritual teachers? She said that her greatest spiritual teachers were those who have caused her the most pain.

Taking a step back from this, you’d think that the woman enjoyed being mistreated. However, this wasn't the case. What she was saying was that those who have caused her the most pain were giving her more clarity of what she didn't want to bring into her life.

Being mistreated, disrespected, not getting the love that you want, or being treated unkindly by these people can help us to grow and evolve into the human being that we want to be.

There have been many times where I have been mistreated or that I hear of others showing disrespect and I think, ‘I don’t want to be like that. Be a better person. Always strive to be a better person.’

But, it also comes back to how we treat ourselves. If another person is mistreating us and we are putting up with it, and have been for quite some time, this is an opportunity for us to look inward and understand what we are bringing to the situation. It's time to ask those hard questions of why are we choosing to stay when the relationship does not serve us for our highest good.

However, if you have gotten out of a relationship, and still harbour resentment or bad feelings, take a look at how the relationship has served you. What new knowledge have you garnered from that relationship?

Take that experience, take that new understanding, and realize that something even better will come along. It always does. 

Happiness is an Inside Job

Photo Credit: Tamara Hanson

I heard this one time: Happiness isn’t the purpose in life. Too me, this is a false assumption. Isn’t joy and happiness part of what we want out of life? We want to be joyful and happy…. Who wouldn’t? Why would you want to be miserable?

Happiness is not something that comes when things are going well… although it helps. Happiness is a choice. Just like every other emotion: sadness, anger, love …it’s all a choice. We get to choose how we feel.

Although it may appear that the people in our lives are supposed to make us happy and, if they don’t, well, then what’s the point of them being around? When we are in relationships, many friends or family members might ask us what it is that we love about that person, and many of us will answer that he or she makes us happy.

Firstly, asking what it is that we love about someone is based on conditions that they need to act a certain way and then they will be lovable enough.  

Secondly, no one can make you happy, complete you, or make you feel anything. That feeling already exists within you. It’s already there. When someone gives us their undivided attention, showers us with love and devotion, they are only bringing out what exists inside of us.

We are already joyful and happy. Don’t rely on someone else to bring it out in you. They don’t bring you that emotion since it is already there, present in each and every one of us. All they are doing is enhancing it.

When you rely on someone to make you happy…or complete, you are giving your power over to someone else to provide these things to you. Only you can provide it.

When you are unhappy with someone’s behaviour and you feel that they are being selfish for acting or doing a certain thing, and then ask yourself if you are being selfish because that person isn’t making you feel better.  

Happiness and joy begins with you. When you really understand this, you will never again allow the actions of another to sway these positive feelings. And, as always, respect yourself enough to leave a situation where you are not being respected and cared for. You deserve better.